I never imagined I would be nearing 30 and single. But nothing in me doubts that God is aware of my singleness and is involved in this aspect of my life as much as He is in any other. I also believe in God’s will and His perfect timing, Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NLT) says “Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.”
I remember one Friday night after a prayer service, I was in the car with my friend and I asked her “why do they insist on praying for singles at EVERY prayer meeting? It’s starting to feel like singleness is a disease.” This was after almost a year of attending Friday prayers and somehow always having the prayer session turned into an intercession for single people to find their spouses. It annoyed me because, though I want to get married, but I had (and still have) more pressing issues in my life I needed to be addressed, for example, during that particular season, my bank account was constantly on life support and needed to be revived (LOL), or my sick relative who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness.
As much as I appreciated the prayers and I’m sure the desire to see people get married came from a good place, it made me realize that the church sees marriage as a better state than singleness. It’s as if singleness is a curse of sorts.
The church has placed such great emphasis on marriage, that is has become “the ultimate goal”, a “prize” from God for great faith. In some cases, we idolize it so much that if someone among us (especially a woman) is past 25 and single there is something “wrong” with them. We treat it as if they have an incurable disease that can only be “healed” by intense prayers from married people. This builds insecurities within single people and they may actually start to believe that there is a problem when there isn’t.
Here are a few examples of things that married Christians say to single people that are problematic and possibly fuel insecurities that pressure many single people to marry out of desperation or to fit into what is meant to be the “norm”.
1. “Why are you single?” – This is the most popular one and probably the most insensitive. If I knew why I was single I wouldn’t be single. It may be because God wants me to be single.
2. “But you’re such an amazing person, it doesn’t make sense at all.” – Believe me, I know I am amazing, but really I’m okay with my singleness.
3. “I know someone, I think you may like him if you are willing to lower your expectations a bit” – NOOOOOOO! Just no.
4. “We are praying for you, we really want you to have the happiness that we have” – but I am happy, I really am. To know that I am loved by my heavenly Father is all I need. Because if I am not satisfied with the Father’s love, marriage is not going to automatically fix this, it may actually cause more damage.
I could go on, but it may require a book.
So yes, I desire marriage but not more than I desire to live in God’s will for my life. I believe that churches need to see singleness as a gift from God. That as much as God loves marriage, He also loves singleness. In my time as a single person, I have been able to really serve God with my time, committing myself fully to His work and to what He has called me to do. The church should be a place where all are welcome (single or married). Our focus should be on reaching out to the lost and those in need, not “treating” singleness, because singleness is not a disease.
